On Iceland's Sexual Liberation and Aziz Ansari

I recently enjoyed a CityWalk Reykjavik with a tour guide who proudly

boasted about Iceland's gender equality. She explained that Iceland is sexually liberated, and the culture does not treat women as sexual prey. Women and men are viewed as equals. Women are just as likely to hit on men as the other way around. She pleaded, however, that we do not behave like the tourist in her example: a young male, drunk in the middle of the day repeatedly tried to buy alcoholic drinks for a group of women in a restaurant, who were very uncomfortable with his advances, and who repeated them until restaurant eventually kicked him out.

Many Icelanders fear their sexual liberation has lead tourists to view their country as a sex tourism destination. This creates problems when other countries' sexual norms conflicts with the Iceland's. This is especially true because what constitutes consent continues to evolve as gender equality progress is made.

What defines consent has changed over time in America. When #NoMeansNo became ingrained in American sex culture, it was considered progress compared to prior sexual assault laws and norms. Once upon a time in America, consent was given, and it was not rape, if a person did not fight back. This was true even if she (or he) said no and feared for her (or his) safety. "No Means No" eliminates the requirement to physically fight back, however consent may still be assumed if the other person does not affirmatively say no. No Means No means initiator is allowed to re-initiate sexual advances and the non-initiator must say no with every repeated attempt. There is a push replace No Means No with #YesMeansYes: an affirmative yes is required and not just a failure to say no.

In America, we are seeing this tension between No Means No and Yes Means Yes play out in the story posted on Babe.net about "Grace" and #AzizAnsari. "Grace" describes a night with Aziz in which he initiated sexual activities. She tells us he ignored her verbal and nonverbal cues. In a No Means No world, where consent may be assumed by behavior, nonverbal cures aren't enough to not give consent. Grace describes saying she wants to not feel rushed, and although Aziz stopped, he tried to have sex with her again later in the evening. Aziz has many supporters in this celebrity outing. This isn't surprising, because his behavior conforms to the No Means No rules. His failure to ask Grace if she wanted to engage in certain behaviors before initiating them has Aziz running afoul of the rules in a Yes Means Yes world.

As we meet people abroad and at home, we need to remember we are not all playing by the same rules. It's time we compare our cultural norms and those of others, and reflect on what ways we can do better.